419 – not every story has to be so silly, embracing this one possibly as a way to remember events and memories

set the scene: you are at the circus / opening a letter

i'm at the circus with mom and my sister. Cirque du soleil in vegas. We're watching their show love, which is based on the beatles. I think a lot about drugs.

I notice how colorful and beautiful the ribbons floating in the air are. I wonder how much practice it takes to actually do everything these people are doing. For some reason I wonder if they're all well paid. My mom and my sister look so enraptured in what's going on I don't want to disturb them. Mom, especially.

Lately mom has been sending me video links of cirque du soleil lately. I feel so sad that she must be so bored at home, but I suppose everyone is dealing with that sadness and loneliness. She seems to be working on her fashion and clothing projects which makes her happy. It makes me happy to see her working on things that she loves. She sends me and liz about ten videos every day in chinese, and although I don't understand most of them they do have subtitles. Mostly from this german man living in china who is really sweet and funny and silly. I can only watch a few of them each day. She also sends me recipes for dishes I can't eat since im on a low carb diet, but that's okay. She means well and sends me everything with love.

Plot twist: what did you say? / boo!

I was talking to her yesterday about unemployment insurance and getting the stimulus check. We had a difficult time communicating and I kept asking her what she meant. I was trying really hard to take care of everything for her, but sadly I couldn't do a whole lot except tell her to call the unemployment office when she could, or that we can wait another week or two and see if she gets anything in the mail. I can tell her that today. I did the best I could, helping her upload a resume to caljobs and send an email to a local official to maybe help her get help with her claim. Since she's been mailing things in it'll take time, but I can confer with her today that once she gets the official letter in the mail we can help her create an account online so she can certify for benefits that way. I was relieved to hear she got her direct deposit from the IRS meaning she'll at least be likely to get a stimulus check deposited into her account in the next couple weeks. I feel a little selfish because if she gets her 600 additional funds in unemployment each week that means I won't have to give her as much money each month and can save a little extra. But that's really not what I care about I just want her to be okay. But I felt like I should throw that in as something that came into my mind. I did the best I could to help her even though I was freaking about about unemployment being so slow just like the rest of the country is. Feel fortunate that I actually got approved and have been paid though I can't access my stimulus check funds. What kind of a story is this? (a story of real life and what's been on my mind day to day, a pretty truthful one at that)

This isn't so much a story as a memory i'm realizing and I think that's okay. Looking back on it, I write stuff like this in my journal a lot. Things I can or can't do. Ruminating over things I could've done or could've done better. There's a lot of tedious things in life that we have to waft through each day.

Feel lucky to actually have some savings these days so I'm not super dependent on all this government money. I read reddit posts a lot about people who are struggling to get by. My roommate was talking to me about how people shouldn't really have to save money, that if they work hard things should be okay. Savings should be for luxury items like a new boat or a vacation. I tended to agree with him, but unfortunately things don't really work that way. I keep counting each extra dollar I have and end up being prone to overspending. (I bought 3 guitars and a piano in the last few weeks! And although I don't regret them at all when I see them here and hold them in my hands, I still regret monetary purchases for some silly reason. I wonder if this is my drugged up mind from before trying to hoard all that cash for pot and other unscrupulous substances. Or is money just that way? The never ending feeling of never having enough.)

plot twist – you overhear a conversation / you do something stupid

I've been a little loud lately, the neighbors downstairs complained to our landlord. I feel bad. My roommate says “he doesn't give a fuck loll use your own discretion”, when I told him it was probably me jumping up and down during my exercises and playing loud steel stringed acoustic guitar late at night. I was kind of fuming at this bad relationship between our neighbors and I but after I went for a walk yesterday I saw the little girl who lives there and felt horrible that I was probably keeping her up at night and knocking the books off her shelves and stuff. And then I started getting anxious thinking about my roommate not giving a fuck about a little child sleeping and wondering if we'd get kicked out. Then I worried about not having a job or a boss that would write fake payment stubs showing that I made more than I did so I would qualify for decent housing. But then I remind myself to take a breath and stop worrying about things I can't control. But then I worry anyway, this rabbit hole of rumination and anxiety and holding my breath. Aaah! The best times in my day I realize are the ones when I can meditate and stop thinking for a while.

Also something stupid I've been doing, though it may just be me being overly cautious. I keep washing my hands on super high heat and not realizing that I've actually given myself burns on my wrists. I was washing my hands so much my hands started drying out and getting cuts on them so I started applying some lotion to them as much as I can. But then I have to use the bathroom and wash them all over again needing to reapply the lotion. I'm not even sure if these are things I need to be anxious about. Thinking about the time I cut myself really bad when I was shaving my legs and how I scraped my knee a few months ago rushing to get to my car and refusing to drop a salad and a banana I was holding. I told myself to practice patience but every now and again I bite my lip really hard or walk into some bushes sometimes.

I did tell my mom once that sometimes I'll be distracted and walk into a tree and she laughed and wondered how the heck someone could do that. But alas I do that sometimes.

Plot twist:

You find something of sentimental value / a bad apple

I'm not sure what's of sentimental value in my place. Thinking about the blanket I had as a kid. I do have this small guitar that I sanded the frets on and cleaned and polished the other night. It's more photos I have with my mom, or cards that she gave me that I hold on to. Lucky red envelopes with a few dollars in them. thinking about how she used to fill them with a hundred dollar bill now its a 20 or a 50 and 8 dollars ( a lucky number in chinese culture). I feel bad whenever she even gives me those.

But I'm happy to see her, got to zoom with her yesterday though it was only about unemployment insurance. She gave me access to her email and I see that she emails herself lots of videos of chinese dramas and musical performances. I wish I could stay with her for a little while, and then get sad that she doesn't have her own place that she lost all her money. But she does seem happy with what she has and the clothes that she's working on now. I suppose like everyone else I worry too much about how other people are doing. I know my mom worries about me too even though I'm doing okay. I wanted to sing her can't help falling in love by Elvis since she loves that song but I didn't have the guts to yesterday. At least once before I go hopefully.

Taking a deep breath. I have a zoom call with her and liz today at 12:30. thinking about what I'm going to cook for breakfast. What kind of a story is this anyway?